1. You have one goal: be epic.
2. Let no sound be
lonely. If there's a guitar solo, harmonize it. If there's singing, make it a
choir.
3. Keyboards offer
a way to add thousands of different textures to a song. Find two of those that
you like and use them on every song you write.
4. In a power metal
world, everything steel is good, and anything good must be compared to steel.
5. You are not
bound to sing about Satan, evil, and/or darkness.
6. You are bound to
sing about dragons, freedom, and/or power metal.
7. Remember how no
sound should be alone? Same goes for albums. Everything can have a sequel!
8. You are allowed
to be blonde.
9. Swords enhance
your credibility and your performance. Be sure to carry one regardless of
whether or not you know anything about using one.
10. Pick a theme
and stick to it. Manowar are warriors of true metal, and they don't get to sing
about anything else. Rhapsody has their Algalord chronicles. Hammerfall has
their steel, hammers, and templar. Running Wild has pirates. Blind Guardian has
Tolkein. None of them are allowed to sing about anything else.
11. If you have to
sing about something else, put together a side project to do it. Avantasia is
the perfect model.
12. Ballads are
permissible.
13. That doesn't
mean your ballads can suck.
14. The longer a
song is, the more epic it is. See rule #1.
15. More solos
means more epic.
16. If at all
possible, be Michael Kiske.
17. If this is not
possible, pretend to be Michael Kiske.
18. Your album
cover should include at least one of the following: fire, steel, weird glowing
magical items, irregularly muscular men, fists thrust into the air, weaponry,
magic creatures (preferably dragons), or bright beams of light around
somebody/something.
19. 'Grim' and
'necro' don't apply here; they just make you look silly. Now go back to singing
your 20 minute epic about dragonslaying!
20. Power metal
depends on power chords.
21. 16th notes are
the only notes.
22. Unless you're
singing, in which case you are not permitted to hold a note for any less than 2
bars.
23. Keyboards get
solos, too.
24. If you can't be
Michael Kiske, you can at least be Timo Tolkki.
25. Actually, don't
be Timo Tolkki.
26. In case you
didn't know, "symphonic" is synonymous with "epic." See
rule #1.
27. Just because
300 bands before you have already done "epic," there's always room
for more.
28. Songs come in
two tempos: metal and ballad.
29. You are
officially the only group of people who can refer to themselves as 'mighty'
without being laughed at. Much.
30. Audiences need
to be able to sing along. Make it catchy.
31. Sing in
English, even though your fan-base will be comprised entirely of Brazilians,
Germans, Japanese, Swedes, and Finns. See rule #30: if it's not catchy, it's
harder to sing in a language that is not your first.
32. Play in as many
bands as possible. More side projects and guest appearances means more epic!
33. Tight. Pants.
34. You don't have
to detune your guitars.
35. Though you
probably should drop them a half-step.
36. Unfortunately,
you need at least two guitar players. How else are you going to have dueling
guitar solos?
37. Keyboards may
substitute for one guitar player, as long as they can solo.
38. Fortunately,
you don't need a bass player! Or at least, you never have to use the same
bassist twice.
39. Begin all songs
with one big swelling chord on the keyboard.
40. Acoustic
guitars are allowed. Sometimes.
41. It's not a
tour, it's a crusade!
42. Layer your
vocals, hundreds upon hundreds of times. Don't worry about them live.
43. Never use
mundane words in your lyrics. Nothing is epic if you don't use words like
"majesty," "glorious," "magical," and so on.
44. Wizards! You
need wizards!
45. Although your
costume does not require corpse paint, it will require a cape, lots of jewelry,
and the aforementioned swords.
46. Unless you are
Manowar, in which case you are too metal for clothing.
47. Come to think
of it, don't be Manowar.
48. Wear armor if
at all possible. Hammerfall can give you an idea of the variety of acceptable
armors, ranging from leather to ring-mail.
49. Songs don't
begin at full speed. Gradually work your way into an epic frenzy.
50. Hail true metal!
51. Acoustic
guitars are for intros and bridges. Then crush them with steel.
52. Epic. Tight.
Pants.
53. Higher vocals
are epic vocals. Female lead singers are great for this.
54. So, male lead
singes should sound like female singers. See rule #52.
55. True warriors
can tell the difference between albums.
56. Concept albums
are totally epic. Nobody will ever see it coming.
57. Liner notes
must include pages of backstory, either of your epic saga of conquest over
dragons and evil or of your epic battles with alcoholism while recording the
album.
58. Drugs aren't
metal.
59. Beer, however,
can be served in all kinds of true metal ways.
60. "Flagons
of ale." It's appropriate to your fantasy-riddled lyrics, and it almost
looks like "dragons," so you score extra points.
61. Since you can't
get away with grunts, growls, and other troll-like noises, you will have to
sing.
62. Your accent
will show as a consequence.
63. To compensate,
sing about killing trolls. Preferably with the swords that you carry onstage.
64. More sequels =
more epic. See rule #7.
65. Guest
vocalists, guest guitarists, and any special appearances from outside your band
will make your sound more epic, even if the track sounds just like all the
other songs on the album with an extra solo.
666. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!!
67. Begin songs at
half-tempo, and then, when listeners least expect it (i.e. at exactly the same
time it happens in all your other songs) kick into full speed complete with
double-bass and power chords.
68. Bass players:
one note. Really fast.
69. But include one
enormous crazy-ass bass fill before the chorus, even though the production will
bury you so far in the mix that most people won't realize your band has a bass
player.
70. Just because
you don't play black metal doesn't mean you can't use Tolkein.
71. Whenever you
short of ideas, pick up your Dungeons and Dragons books. You might as well be
the first band to sing about owlbears.
72. Never leave
Europe.
73. For purposes of
rule #72, Japan may be counted as part of Europe.
74. Oh, and South
America was colonized by Europeans, so it can count too.
75. Orchestras make
a great addition to your album. Since you can't afford one, find a new patch on
your keyboard.
76. If your live
album does not have the crowd singing all the harmony parts for you, you aren't
epic enough to justify a live album.
77. If you are
European, use as many archaic English words in your lyrics as you can.
Obfuscation is epic!
78. If you are
South American, your lyrics should be closer to standard English, though nobody
will ever read them.
79. If you are U.S.
American, you probably aren't actually a power metal band. Sing about tanks, or
something.
80. If you are
Italian, write some lyrics in Latin. Your American fans won't be able to tell
the difference between your Italian lyrics and your Latin ones, but Latin is
epic.
81. Remember,
shaving is epic, haircuts are not.
82. Entire albums
must be recorded in the same key.
83. For that matter,
entire careers may also be recorded in the same key.
84. Guitarists,
remember: dun da-da dun da-da dun da-da…
85. Make your band
logo very angular, but perfectly legible.
86. More than a
logo, you need a mascot.
87. He need not be
distinguishable from Eddie, but he does need to be on all your album covers.
88. At your first
gig, if you feel a "rising force", do be sure not to get it all over
your audience.
89. Record your
best songs unplugged, and sell them as an EP.
90. Do not expect
anyone to buy the EP.
91. Remember, power
metal fans are not gay. They are just comfortable with their masculinity.
92. Sing along.
93. Don't get
caught singing along.
94. Glitter is not
epic.
95. Neither is body
oil. See rule #47.
96. If you see a
black metaller in the woods pretending to be a troll, see rule #9 and rule #63.
97. In your liner
notes, thank everybody you toured with, even if they're Stratovarius.
98. Complain about
Stratovarius constantly even though you've bought all their albums and listen
to them more than anything else in your collection.
99. Power metal
must be pure; do not mix it with other metal styles.
100. To repeat: be
epic.
101. I ran out of
funny things to say way back at rule #52, but any less than 101 rules would so
not be epic.
